The batterer always blames the Victim for causing the violence.
One of the Strange things about abuser's is that most of them, "presumably without ever talking to one another - say exactly the same things to their partners.
The Victim shoud understand the hurtful and abusive things there partner may say, are not true. most likely they are only attempts to avoid responsibility or are said to make it difficult for victim to leave.
These are some of common things abusers say:
- You're so stupid / Worthless / Ugly / Fat.
- You don't even know how keep the house in a decent state / you're a bad mother and hopeless cook / frigid / bitch/ whore / no-one else would want you, you're lucky to have me. (He means: I'm the victim here.)
- If you tell anyone else about the abuse... you'll be sorry / no-one will believe you / I'll report you to social services as an unfit mother. "You don't know who you're up against.(He means: I'll have the last word.)
- If you try or leave me. You will never get away / you couldn't cope without me / no-one else will have you / I'll snatch the kids and you'll never see them again / I'll track you down and find you even if it takes years and then I'll kill you so you'll never be able to live in peace never knowing when it will happen. (He means: I'll win, no matter what it takes.)
- If you leave me I'll kill myself and you'll have to explain to our children why their dad is dead and it'll be on your conscience for the rest of your life. (Emotional blackmail)
Read more: Forms of Domestic Violence AGAINST Women
I am asking you to have patience and compassion for victims of domestic violence. It is important to realize women stay with abusers for many reasons. Judging and placing blame on victims only drives them farther into silence. Please remember, leaving an abuser is not a decision, it’s a process. Stick it out, be supportive of your friend, family member or coworker. You may be their Only Hope.”
"I got the power to live my life. It was a very tough decision, but I am happy because a lot of women have spoken out and are standing up for themselves. It wasn't an easy decision, but it has done a lot of good."
I don't feel like I'm a hero," Rania says. "… I feel that no woman should be a victim to her husband, or a victim in anyway. A woman should have the ability to choose her own destiny."
Remember together we have the power to make a difference...
So spread the word, break the silence. Don't wait for tomorrow, May someone need you now......
2 comments:
Its refreshing to read such constant encouragement directed at battered spouses out. I really think this is a terrific blog, I'm sure this message of strength will be repeated and grow and hopefully sooner than we think, emotional black mail as you've described it so succinctly here, will finally lose its power to blind other potential victims of domestic violence and violence of all kinds.
We are a group of American Indians and friends that know and worked with Joy Loftin while she was employed at the Vanderbilt YMCA here in New York City. During the length of her employment, several extremely disturbing incidents occurred that cause us to be concerned and call into question the motives and the integrity of Shan Colorado Finnerty, Hortensia Colorado, and Elvira Colorado.
On several occasions, Joy came to work with visible bruises on her neck and arms. She eventually explained to us that Shan had punched, beaten, and choked her and she asked us for help. As wardens for the community, we tried to place Joy in women’s shelters around the city in an effort to mitigate the abuse. However, at the urging of Shan’s mother and aunt, Hortensia and Elvira, she returned to their apartment and refused to press criminal charges against Shan Colorado Finnerty. The abuse continued and one day, she came to work very early, visibly distressed and crying, with more bruises and abrasions. She said that Shan had verbally abused and beaten her once again; that she wanted to return to California, and that she was going to quit her job and reunite with her family. She tendered her resignation later that week. Out of concern for her safety and in an effort to find out what happened to her, we requested an officer from the domestic violence unit of the 5th Precinct conduct a welfare check at their home on Kenmare Street. However the officer was unable to find anyone at the apartment, and therefore could not verify that Joy was safe. We realize that she is suffering from battered women’s syndrome and may be unable to help herself due to the isolationist environment that the Colorados have formed around her. Abusive men are often enabled by their family, while the victim is persuaded to believe the abuse is her fault, and the pattern of emotional and physical trauma continues. Taking into consideration what has happened to Joy Loftin, it is especially deceitful that their display “Altar: El Llanto De La Resistencia” at the American Indian Community House was in part dedicated to victims of domestic violence.
In light of these events, we are dismayed, disappointed, and outraged to know that members of the American Indian Community would commit, condone, and perpetuate domestic abuse and violence, while simultaneously conducting workshops, writing and performing plays, and displaying works and art that would have the public and those who support them believe otherwise. It is a vulgar and offensive misrepresentation of American Indian Culture, and further support of Coatlicue Theater, Hortensia Colorado, Elvira Colorado, Shan Colorado Finnerty and their work is tantamount to supporting domestic abuse and violence. Considering their duplicitous behavior, having them represent American Indian Culture is an insult to the dignity of American Indians and an affront to human beings.
We are therefore informing you we will not attend nor support any Coatlicue Theater productions or events where they will be featured. We will be encouraging others that might consider attending, participating, or funding them to do the same. Our actions are warranted, and to be associated with the aforementioned individuals and Coatlicue Theater would be equivalent to enabling and contributing to such offensive behaviour.
We urge everyone to reevaluate their support of Coatlicue Theater and the Colorados, and question the individuals concerned. Until the responsible individuals are held accountable and measures are taken to verify that the abuse is no longer occurring, we will continue with our boycott, and will strongly urge others to do the same.
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