Cycle of Violence and abusive relationship ?





"I kept on staying with him because I thought all marriages required the wife to suffer, I did not know I deserved better."

Might you don't know but mostly Domestic violence always follows a pattern that is described as the cycle of abuse or cycle of violence. It is a pattern of living in which one person (usually the man) uses violence or other abusive behavior to control and maintain power over a partner, or other family member. It may include verbal abuse, psychological abuse, economic abuse, physical abuse and sexual abuse. The impact of continued abuse in a relationships is devastating, It low down the self-esteem and quality of life of victims and their children.


Domestic violence is part of a continuing cycle that's very difficult to break. if you're in an abusive relationship, you may recognize this pattern:


"He would bring me flowers and gifts the very next day after beating' me... I used to love the day after until things were getting worse and worse." He would say he was sorry and promise to change, but then about one month later he would go right back to kicking and punching. He even grabbed my throat once!"

THE CYCLE OF VIOLENCE:

Forms of Domestic Violence Click Here

The first part known as the “tension building”. During this stage, the batterer becomes edgy, irritable or impatient. The victim senses the batterer’s increasing tension, knowing he’s getting ready to explode. She walks on eggshells, being careful of what she says and how she acts. She may start hiding things which can be used as a weapon. The victim’s attempts to alleviate the tension are futile, and the tension explodes into violence.


The second part known as the “Violent Episode” . It is the shortest but most intense period. The batterer explodes and the victim is abused. The batterer may make unreasonable demands upon the victim. He may yell at the victim for hours, destroy something that has special meaning to her, or give out severe physical punishment. The physical abuse can range from pushing, slapping and punching to torture, rape and murder.


The third period known as the “Absence of Violence or Honeymoon Phase”. During this time, the defendant is kind, thoughtful, charming, and remorseful. He may tell the victim that he is sorry, that he loves her, and that he will never act that way again. He may bring her flowers or buy her an expensive gift. He may also minimize the violence and place the blame on the victim for causing the violence. After a period of time, the cycle begins again.

This is what makes domestic violence so confusing. I can't count how many times a survivor has told me, ("But sometimes he's so sweet! And he's not a monster! We've had some good times too! I loved him - I still do really. He put me in hospital twice but I just melted when I saw him crying. I thought hitting me showed he cared. I believed him when he said he would change.")

Domestic violence increases in frequency and severity. It is never an isolated incident or a one-time occurrence.

"Read this small Story of a girl name Margie"

This is a painful one for Shirley and her husband Larry their daughter Margie was brutally murdered by the man who claimed to love her, Margie’s husband. “It’s easy to look back now and see the warning signs,” states Shirley. “But back then our family did not realize that the verbal attacks were escalating into physical assaults until it was too late.

I ask you to have patience and compassion for victims of domestic violence. It is important to realize women stay with abusers for many reasons. Judging and placing blame on victims only drives them farther into silence. Please remember, leaving an abuser is not a decision, it’s a process. Stick it out, be supportive of your friend, family member or coworker. You may be their Only Hope.”

Remember together we have the power to make a difference...

So spread the word. Don't wait for tomorrow, May someone need you right now 'Spread it now......

These are some of the common things most abusers say

"Many women do not realise that their partners are abusive. At the beginning of a relationship the man is charming and only becomes abusive once the woman has
committed to the relationship"

The batterer always blames the Victim for causing the violence.

One of the Strange things about abuser's is that most of them, "presumably without ever talking to one another - say exactly the same things to their partners.

The Victim shoud understand the hurtful and abusive things there partner may say, are not true. most likely they are only attempts to avoid responsibility or are said to make it difficult for victim to leave.

These are some of common things abusers say:

  • You're so stupid / Worthless / Ugly / Fat.
  • You don't even know how keep the house in a decent state / you're a bad mother and hopeless cook / frigid / bitch/ whore / no-one else would want you, you're lucky to have me. (He means: I'm the victim here.)
  • If you tell anyone else about the abuse... you'll be sorry / no-one will believe you / I'll report you to social services as an unfit mother. "You don't know who you're up against.(He means: I'll have the last word.)
  • If you try or leave me. You will never get away / you couldn't cope without me / no-one else will have you / I'll snatch the kids and you'll never see them again / I'll track you down and find you even if it takes years and then I'll kill you so you'll never be able to live in peace never knowing when it will happen. (He means: I'll win, no matter what it takes.)
  • If you leave me I'll kill myself and you'll have to explain to our children why their dad is dead and it'll be on your conscience for the rest of your life. (Emotional blackmail)

Read more: Forms of Domestic Violence AGAINST Women

" I remember just like its Yesterday, "I have had glasses thrown at me. I have been kicked in the abdomen when I was visibly pregnant. I have been kicked off the bed and hit while laying on the floor -- while I was pregnant. I have been punched and kicked in the head, chest, face and abdomen on numerous occasions."
Often the reason is precisely that - the cumulative effect of repeated physical and psychological trauma destroys confidence and self-belief.

I am asking you to have patience and compassion for victims of domestic violence. It is important to realize women stay with abusers for many reasons. Judging and placing blame on victims only drives them farther into silence. Please remember, leaving an abuser is not a decision, it’s a process. Stick it out, be supportive of your friend, family member or coworker. You may be their Only Hope.”

"I got the power to live my life. It was a very tough decision, but I am happy because a lot of women have spoken out and are standing up for themselves. It wasn't an easy decision, but it has done a lot of good."

I don't feel like I'm a hero," Rania says. "… I feel that no woman should be a victim to her husband, or a victim in anyway. A woman should have the ability to choose her own destiny."

Remember together we have the power to make a difference...

So spread the word, break the silence. Don't wait for tomorrow, May someone need you now......

A True Story of: Susan. It was a abusive relationship?

"I felt suicidal, I was ashamed that this was happening to me and I was allowing the abuse to continue with my children in the house."

For most of the victims, it is very difficult to recognize when a pattern of abuse has developed in their relationship. Instead, they often see abusive behaviors as isolated, unrelated incidents. Yet, abuse often happens in cycles, with abusive episodes interspersed with periods of calm, loving support, and affirmation — nurturing and caring that initially drew the two partners together. However, the element of abusive pattern that develops can often become predictable and a source of tension, even during periods of calm.

''Since the abuse takes place behind closed doors, it is often denied by the victims themselves.''

A True Story of: Susan. It was a abusive relationship?

Susan was just 18 when she first met and fell in love with Ulner, a 26-year-old man she saw on stage.

Ulner was a bass guitarist in a popular local band, while Susan had just finished her first year of college.

They started dating immediately. Eventually, they got married and started a family, with Susan working at a health-insurance company.

At first, Ulner was just controlling, not so different from her own father. But, the more she complied, the more he demanded.

"The controlling (Controlling behaviours) was absolutely there from the beginning. … Without me recognizing it," Susan said.

The physical abuse started more than 10 years into the marriage, when, according to Susan, she forgot an item at a nearby grocery store.

"He hurt me," Susan said. "He hurt me badly. I just couldn't believe it. It's like you're almost outside your body watching and saying, 'This can't be happening.'"

Susan said that Ulner cut her off from her father and her family for many years, leaving her isolated with no one to talk to, and completely under his control.

Susan Goes Back to Work

In 2002, the family started struggling financially, and Susan returned to work at a new job.

The only escape she had from her controlling and abusive home life was her new friend and boss, Lynne Jasper. read more

Story Source: http://abcnews.go.com/2020

Domestic abuse happens in all social groups. Whilst it might be aggravated by stress, unemployment, poverty, alcohol or mental illness – it is not caused by it. And no woman ever deserves it.

Thousands of women they a too afraid or too ashamed to tell anyone what is going on at home. They go about their daily lives as though nothing untoward is happening, and the abuse continues

I asking you to have patience and compassion for victims of domestic violence. It is important to realize women stay with abusers for many reasons. Judging and placing blame on victims only drives them farther into silence. Please remember, leaving an abuser is not a decision, it’s a process. Stick it out, be supportive of your friend, family member or coworker. You may be their Only Hope.

Remember together we have the power to make a difference...

So spread the word, break the silence. Don't wait for tomorrow, May someone need you right now 'Spread it now......

Why can't women leave abusive relationships?

It is well documented that women who experience domestic violence can find it difficult to leave a violent relationship. The prospect of asking for help can be daunting for a woman who is feeling isolated, and whose self-esteem has been lowered by abuse.
"He turned everyone against me. I had no friends, no social life, no support. He got the children to keep track of my movements and tell him what I'd been doing and who I'd talked to. I knew he'd never let me go."

Leaving a relationship, no matter how abusive, is never easy. Women who leave relationships often have to opt for living in poverty. That's a very difficult choice to make. There are many social, cultural factors that contribute to encouraging women to stay and try and make the situation work. Often, violence is a familiar pattern for the woman, as well as the man. In addition, women often love the men who abuse them, or at least love them initially. Men who batter are not 100 percent hateful, but they can be loving and attentive partners at times. Some women remain emotionally and/or economically dependent on the batterer despite the fact that she faces continued abuse if she stays with him. Women are at highest risk of injury or violence when they are separating from or divorcing a partner. Women can be very intimidated by a partner and the consequences of her leaving. It takes a long time for a woman to give up hope in a relationship and to recognize that the only way she can be safe is to leave him.

"My mother, his mother, our counsellor and our minister all told me I should stay... They said he was trying to change and I needed to support him. I waited through six years of hell."

The impact of continued abuse on woman in intimate relationships is devastating.

I asked you before and i am asking you again to have patience and compassion for victims of domestic violence. It is important to realize women stay with abusers for many reasons. Judging and placing blame on victims only drives them farther into silence. Please remember, leaving an abuser is not a decision, it’s a process. Stick it out, be supportive of your friend, family member or coworker. You may be their Only Hope.”

Remember together we have the power to make a difference...

So spread the word. Don't wait for tomorrow, May someone need you right now 'Spread it now......

A Comment:

Thank-you for your work raising awareness about domestic abuse. The information you offer is life saving. I was in an abusive relationship--my ex controlled all the money. I could not earn money by getting a job because my ex refused to watch the children, which meant all my pay would go to daycare. He was also very abusive towards the children. In order to leave, I had to go on public assistance and even live in my car. It was very difficult to leave because my ex was stalking me--and friends were afraid to take me in. I was in such a bad place, emotionally, that I would not consider going to a shelter. I could not accept that I was abused. I assumed it was my fault that my life was falling apart, I believed all the insults and names screamed at me over the years. My advise is to love yourself unconditionally. NO ONE deserves to be hurt, to be made to live in fear. Seek help because you are worth it. And if you have kids, you can stop the cycle of violence.